WryThing

2011-01-28T17:17:00.001-08:00

New laptop. Sore from working out, and I don't feel like doing anything tonight, so I may just take it easy.

Things are calm. My Noah is incredible and soothing and makes everything a little bit better. I'm kind of... happy.

Video: How to Disappear

2011-01-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep for the noise.

The whiplash,

volumes of pregnant phrases

and my thoughts that tear in such separate directions

And so it is that I'll leave you

with the ticking of your sterile heart for company.

With the ice from your tongue for water,

and the roar of blood in your lonely hands.

And so it is that I'll leave you,

when you turn a shoulder my way

with the shadows of a great eclipse.

2011-01-23T12:13:00.001-08:00

Been spending a lot of time and thoughts at the beach. My face has gotten pale and thin, and my limbs revert to their teenage years; awkward and tangling, knobby. Funny. Funny limbs, funny face, funny life. I'm making breakfast and choking down the feeling that I might be stuck here forever.

I'm exhausted. I want to sleep all the time.

2011-01-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

A video I made with and for one of my favorite souls

2011-01-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

Found a twin heart, on a string

waiting, wanting, wishing

I hope that you can grasp

this kind of loneliness

that kills, the sort of chills

it rattles through my chest

found a twin heart, on a string

waiting wanting, wishing

for an open book, a second look

a "darling, it's alright"

and look at us, through all the fuss

two ships are we

just passing in the night

2011-01-06T00:24:00.001-08:00

I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself for being angry. I'm frustrated with things that don't make any sense, and things that do. I hate things that I love and love things that I hate. I'm falling apart and I have no idea why. Especially since the boy is in town and he makes everything a little bit lighter and brighter.

Maybe I'm just tired, cranky and in need of sleep...

...and a complete life makeover.

2010-12-29T00:33:00.000-08:00

Pretty thing, hard as nails

open heart, heads or tails

I wish only that I could love you right

little heart, little thing

tangled up and choking

hanging by a string, I'll love you right

lips and eyes, and all goodbyes

poor baby, sing you to sleep

sweep around inside you

give me little parts to keep

I only wish that I might love you right

sweetheart, pet names

hard life, fast games

oh twin sinner, we're going down

heavy is the crown.

Heavy is the crown.

2010-12-28T01:01:00.000-08:00

I want so badly to travel, and grow, and become something new.

I've learned to love hard, fall fast, and barrel into life. I've learned to be a force of nature. I've evaporated to a shadow, a poisonous wallflower, and erupted from nothingness. Now I need to learn how to live within the box of myself and the four walls of my body without running my feet bare in circles trying to get out.

You've taught me not to be afraid. And for you I'm strengthened.

For your faith, I'm fearless.

Welcome,

the ecdysis.

2010-12-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

And when I feel most human,

when a person feels like home

I breathe deep and remember

I was born to be alone

2010-12-19T02:06:00.000-08:00

It's pouring, it's 2 A.M, I'm smoking a cigarette with dry lips and wet hair and a soggy, drowning heart.

In case you hadn't noticed, I can't write anymore. Partially because I'm a terrible writer, partially because the things I feel these days are too desolate, too sad, too awful to put into words.

I just want to let myself fall apart into a mess of skin and hair and big sad eyes.

These lies I've been living on aren't sustaining me anymore. I've sucked the nutrients out and now there's only empty calories and sugar. It's still sweet.

Old habits die hard.

2010-12-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

White noise.

2010-11-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get lost in a happiness, one of those singular moments that sink like a brick through me. I forget how easily they go.

The heat is on and it's toasty, but we both know eventually we'll have to brave the cold. Is that why we always have one foot in the door?

Blue moon lover

2010-11-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

Oh my sweet sometimes man

I'll see you, blue moon lover again

I forgot that I could be this happy.

2010-11-18T01:12:00.000-08:00

Outside having a cigarette at just past 1 in the morning.

I'm freezing. I'm satisfied, I think.

I'm excited to sleep, should that ever actually happen.

I really want to just record an album and begin the career I've always wanted. I want to start my life as I always dreamed it would be.

5 days until bliss and stupid smiles. MMMMMMM.

Wander, lust

2010-11-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Honeybass, I miss that morning breath

your secret face, your heart defect

the things that rattle in your chest

the words, the fear,

in my digestive tract

honeybass, your one regret

the way you keep me like a pet

I still feel my fingers on your back

the simple sweetness of your sweat

the songs your heart can't sing me yet.

Today, I'm walking around in light tumbling air, and it's sharp, and it makes me feel good.

Makes my bones lighter.

That's it, it's that simple. I always had a love affair with Winter.

And the city, which treats me so badly.

I miss the loverfriends of my past (yes you can be both). I miss Balboa with Mandy. I miss the hot sticky freedom of

Summer heat,

and I relish the feeling that I can move freely in the world now.

And I can leave my trinket secrets around behind me.

I think I'm okay with the inevitability of becoming a starving artist.

2010-11-10T00:41:00.001-08:00

2010-10-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, depravity.

Welcome back.

I pressed a little button where my heart should be and an atomic mushroom cloud blew back everyone within shooting range. I'm starting over. Everyone I know disgusts me.

2010-10-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to find a little white space

a little square I can cramp into with my limbs all sore and my body all broken

when I've been swimming in black murk all this time, talking to ghouls and pigs

he said "They're all just rolling in the mud, and they'll soon realize how filthy they are."

Well thank you, sweet enemy, for your vote of confidence. For your honesty, for your lies. You've been a beam in the fog around my shipwreck. I'm sorry things wound up this way.

I had the right angle, and 300 degrees of fire, and you're an angel, and I'm nothing but a liar. I had an 8 A.M. flight or fight for your heart when I came all that way just so you could depart... and I wonder why I picked up my sword and shield at all, the way you welcome Winter when it isn't even Fall. I had your branches grow around, free, you weep, a willow, made a pillow out of me. I wanted you so hard I must have gone, turned you to stone... I'll be a pillar to your silver tongue and wish to be alone.

I'm trying to play it out

I know your beast won't go hungry for long

and you'll call me dafter, a whiskey shot after

and tell me you knew I was made for your arms

and you were wrong.

So I'm trying to play you through a million songs.

I'm trying to play it out

know I'll find the spirit in another man soon

and you'll call me back, all tears and regrets

through your third carton of my cigarettes

ask me if I could forgive you the lie

that you told me in June

and I'm everything you told me that I am, honey,

I'm a city in ruin.

FUCK

2010-10-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO LIVE, for fuck's sake, I want to live! I used to feel earth's veins in me, vines instead of arteries, and I had a painful thirst for latching eyes with new souls. Now I'm alone in a cavernous nothing that howls like a fucking beast with a thorn in its paw...

And I have nothing to say.

I have so much to say, I have nothing to say, nothing that makes sense. Now I just want to wrap my arms up over myself and form a shell I never have to come out of.

2010-10-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

I should have known to run away from you and your generic lyrics when I had the chance. Before I melted into this disgusting open wound of emotion and human actions.

2010-10-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm disturbingly okay.

So okay that it's not okay.

I'm peaceful and full of thoughts about the future and making plans to play a show tomorrow.

I'm okay.

I know I should be happy that I'm fine, but this isn't like me.

Who the fuck am I?

2010-10-05T22:11:00.001-07:00

Well...

it happened once, everyone told me it would happen again.

I should have known.

Back to square one.

HEY YOU.

2010-10-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmedoverwhelmed.

I don't know, I don't know. I want to fly the nest and start anew.

I'm extremely tired of people assuming I'll be around forever like a loyal puppy dog that needs its master. I'm not a silver trophy, I'm not a back-up plan.

There is a fine line between loyalty and stupidity, and I don't fucking walk it.

2010-10-02T11:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, darling, while you roll around in your uncertainty and sigh with a sad eye and "woe is me" emblazoned across your chest,

I'm busy, so can I call you back later?

2010-09-29T00:42:00.001-07:00

I'm...

okay.

Something

2010-09-23T00:07:00.001-07:00

I know I worry too much...

But I don't want to put effort and love into something or someone that won't give it back.

I don't want my life to be a one-way street and I don't want to be a back-up plan.

2010-09-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

Mornings are weird.

I feel like mornings know who I am and they stare at me. They scream "WAKE UP" in my ear until I lull around like a zombie with a hazy eye and a scowl. When I find my way outside for the paper, it's biting cold. Fuck that, I hate the cold. I can't honestly humor my notion that I could move somewhere it snows... I'd be an insufferable whining lump. "WAKE UP!" I'm awake, shut up morning. You don't have to creep into my room with grey beams and foggy spotlights to batter my eyes open. Besides, it's L.A... why isn't it sunny?

Los Angeles is a different story. Actually,

Los Angeles is a story.

...But it's losing its charm, this pretty demon city. The lights are nice for a while, everybody lives fast, everybody has somewhere to be. I want to just sit for a while, is that okay?

Honestly,

2010-09-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing.

Here's the truth. (I just made a typo that said "He's the truth", but I'll let Freud deal with that one.)

I am forever grappling with where I can best put my suitcase of indelible sadness, the depression that hangs on my back like a sleepy toddler, lolling, crying, whining, heavy. Truthfully I can't even find the starting line of the race I'm already in. I just feel like sitting here with my hood on and sinking my blank eyes out to scan around the world, so I can make comic judgements in cleverly worded quips. That's all I want to do. I don't have the energy to be productive. God forbid anyone see me sitting in the corner, whiter than death, eternally pissed off. People do see me, sometimes; I level them with cruelty and an angry eye, and most of the time they go away. I'm a poisonous wallflower.

I'm terrified of human attachment, emotion. I can distinctly hear the call of sweet, painful freedom, telling me to sever ties. Telling me to stop lying; I'm not interested in your small talk, I'm only patronizing you 90% of the time, I don't have the CAPACITY let alone the FUCKING WILLPOWER to care about you or your menial gossip, your mind-numbing small talk.

I'm a terrible world of opposites, and I think I'm losing my mind.

2010-09-11T00:45:00.000-07:00

I AM ALONE.

I am alone and it's heinous, hideous, tumultuous, BEAUTIFUL.

Never has it been anything else; I've always been solitary,

it just got diluted.

Now I'm back to my purest form of self.

No matter who I am with, no matter the convincing speech persuading otherwise and the nagging "But I love you"

I've always been alone.

That's who I am.

I have a driving hunger to start over and build a life for myself as one singular person with little to no attachments. Start a life where I make my own hours and money, where I'm an adult and nobody can tell me otherwise (but I WANNA be a grown-up, I WANNA I WANNA!) I don't have the energy to convince myself that people care about me. I don't have the energy to convince myself that I care about people.

Nobody tries anymore anyway.

2010-09-10T11:28:00.001-07:00

I am done making the mistake of letting a person become the centerpiece of my life.

Also, I am done letting MISERY become the centerpiece of my life.

So without my best friend Sadness standing over me with a megaphone and a glass ceiling, where do I go from here?

I am a very angry person. It's a deceptive kind of anger, it breathes out my pores into the air around me, it churns my insides upside down with a melting pot of emotions that I hate myself for having.

I don't think I know how to be happy.

I don't think I know how to do this.

2010-09-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in Nashville, Tennessee. I'm leaving today.

Noah is sleeping next to me like a tired dog after uttering a very cute "5 more minutes?"

I never thought I would find myself here, but I'm glad I did.

It helped me figure out that "home" is a feeling.

2010-08-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

Into the bends, the sleeping streets,

us.

With you I sink below sea level. Everyone swims by and you... are so tangibly beautiful.

You roll around in my head, where you make waves of passion that dock in my heart with such force

it moves me backwards, forwards.

There's a powerful pressure in my ribcage where you've taken

to sitting with a smirk and a pretty word

so I'll build you a swing and a balcony

and a bed, and you can stay with me.

and I'd forgo air, and I'd give up my blood for that smirk that cracks at your cheek

for the curl of your lips

and the words in your eye

the weight of your hips

how you smile so wry

You make me strong, and you make me weak.

2010-08-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

Si se puede.

It hurts, a little. But I'm happy; this is what I want, he is what I want. We can do this.

2028 miles is nothing.

Sorry, I'm tired, but I swear I'll be poetic in the morning.

Noah, you are my dreamcatcher, my twin soul. You are the beauty to my beast.

2010-08-19T01:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, this feeling. It finally feels like Summer. When it gets hot it feels like it wraps around me, and it's almost sensual. Sticky, 100 degree L.A. Summer, I love you.

And this other feeling. It must be happiness, it must be him.

Time is being awful and so cruel to me. I want to swim in the haze of our evils matching perfectly.

2010-08-15T23:41:00.000-07:00

Well I want to walk the trail

from your heart to your head

and patch up where the poison spread

I want to walk the creases of your palm

and settle in your love line,

hope it's long

You bottle up your lovers with a vengeance

and you carry all your guilt around for penance

but I know the man behind your eyes

and he is not a menace

and you think you see your evil in me

think you've nothing where a heart should be

but I know the man behind your eyes

and he sings endlessly

Down your back, amber eyes

I'm finding stories, stories

that read of where you've slept with lies

and in your brow, your worries

and the freckles that make stars

make the sky out of your arms

and I hope that I can find my way from there

into your heart

2010-08-10T12:09:00.001-07:00

Alright, boy, you terrify me. There you go. All the mental preparation in the world couldn't have braced me for the things your eyes say to me.

I didn't want to lean on you in case you fell away. You swim around in your broken heart so much. I want to crawl inside and nest next to your chest, fill up the holes.

I'm waiting for a banner to unfurl in my living room

"JK! LOLOL! It was an elaborate ruse. Nothing could be this perfect, you moron!"

I'm a million different things, but dissatisfied is not one of them.

2010-08-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

I'll take the sunshine of that pain

Maybe it's my fault

I didn't see when you passed me by

and I didn't want to wake you

so I wrote a lullaby

you look so happy in my time lapse bed

put down that baggage in your head

Please rock the boat, you're making waves

I'll take the sunshine of that pain

for the curl of your lips

and the words in your eye

and the weight of your hips

and how you smile so wry

2010-08-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

In the throes.

I know that lovers aren't forever, know that things are worse than better,

but I'm staying and conceding to receding bleeding beating

pretty, in my chest

where I can feel my heart pump what must be happiness.

Long when you're gone it will shake me

and ache and bruise and feel like breaking

I'll hold that sore spot tender and show you

EVERY black and blue inch is worth it to know you.

2010-07-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Starting today, I am saying "yes" to everything (within reason).

Any opportunities that come my way, I will take.

Any requests made, I will say yes to.

YES.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2010-07-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

Now THAT is how you do Friday nights.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM perfection. Can we do that again? Can we drink and sing and not worry, not have inhibitions...?

I'm happy.

2010-07-21T23:53:00.001-07:00

I can't do this anymore.

Everyone looks for steadfast friendship, a wholly fulfilling family, and life-altering love. I've had it. It hasn't treated me well. Love has been a beast with bared teeth, and a burden. It's turned my veins into wires and my emotions into concrete. I'm nothing now. There's nothing left.

I know I can't live like this, but I don't have any other options really.

I just don't see a way out anymore. There are no angels, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and I can't find the silver lining.

Truthfully

I am so, so empty.

2010-07-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

There is a time for war and a time for peace.

There is a time for caring and tenderness, indulgence and love. Now is not one of those fucking times. I don't care about anything right now.

But just for good measure, some pieces of writing:

I want to bleed myself of feeling, diminish myself to bone and heart and maybe I'd find truth there. Right now I want to be someone else, because then I could beat myself until I'm laced with a delicate purple, and my blood has surfaced, leaving nothing beneath...the feeling where your ribs are lacking marrow and your skin is lacking muscle, making your bones feel like breaking and your body go limp; and your eyes are leaking acid rather than tears judging by the burning in your cheeks? that sums it up, inside and outside.

And all I want to do is sleep until my body stops fighting and gives up.

No, no

2010-07-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

I believe you were a mistake.

I believe it was a mistake to hold you, let you kiss me, let you suck me in.

I believe it was a mistake that those pretty lips, coated still in sweat and sugar

and plenty of greed,

ever met mine, which are so humble.

It was a mistake to know you, need you, the way I did.

The way you did me.

Your name burns imprints into me

I just can't pry you from my tired heart

I asked you to be fearless (please, let's do this.)

That darkness that you proudly hold

wears like a broach upon your soul

You, dear darling dummy, are so shallow,

are so poisonous.

I'm too tired. You want your vacant vapid villainousness crawling on your pretty skin like hungry vermin, take them. I won't be a part of your cruelty, your stupidity. I know the man that could have been and he is far gone. I can see that I am too much for you. Goodbye.

And for the record, I see the way you look at me.

I wish you didn't look at me like that.

Not now.

For good measure

2010-07-11T03:17:00.001-07:00

Mandy's house is empty.

There's a "For Sale" sign in the yard. I know how those signs are. Somebody likely hammered it into the grass. Somebody likely hammered a stake into my heart.

I indulged my fantasy too long; mom, dad, two sisters, dinner table. Conversation. Love. It became real, and quite tangible. Now, like most other things, I am being stripped of my pretend life, my pretend family. I feel naked without them.

There is a "For Sale" sign in the yard. It is grotesque. It is a daunting and terrible metaphor sitting out in front of the house, staring me in the face. Laughing. Leering. Daring.

When I can't become more empty, I imagine life will take my body as well. Likely it will borrow some eyelashes at first, some fingernails. Organs will go missing; a liver here, a pancreas there. Small intestines will uncoil. Last, fate will take my heart. It will remove the black mass, tiny and bruised, from where it lays straining.

Maybe I will be peaceful then.

Scarlet letters

2010-07-09T01:33:00.001-07:00

My heart hurts so much that it feels like it swallowed sulfur. And maybe that sulfur is leaking through a gaping hole out of my heart and into my stomach.

So many things are attacking my ego, my head, myself. School. Future. Donna. My father. My mother. My ex-uncle. My ex-friends. My current friends. My shortcomings. The current focus of my anger.

(I'll get over it, give me a couple weeks. Really I think I just need to get laid.)

The manic highs and lows shaped me, but into what? I've lived my life blind and hopeful, stupid as a newborn. The most recent wounds have stripped my flesh down and revealed the metal within.

I am a robot. I have to be. I just have to be.

"It is good not to fear death, but you seem to welcome it."

2010-07-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

You were a longshot on a short leash

you were the one I thought would change me

but you're all tender,

and a fender bender heart

You were an ice pick in a glacier

and I know you're insatiable

but you're all eyes

sugar and spice, lies

But you talk to me like it's nothin'

with your bigshot mouth when you're bluffin'

and it's hard on you, I know

and your armor's got a hole

Don't let me go...

I know you won't say you miss me

and you question my honesty

but for you

I was all truth

Oh, you could have been a liar

but you set me on fire

and I'm burning hard

for you

2010-07-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

I have a superiority complex and for that I do not apologize.

(Mostly because I also have an even bigger inferiority complex)

I employ logic to a terrifying degree and make NO ROOM for silly childish dreams, love, or most of all FUCKING HIPPIES WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

If you cannot give me practical reasons for something in a few sentences, I will not listen to you.

If you cannot explain yourself eloquently enough for me, I will think less of you.

And again, for these things I do not apologize.

Maybe you simply need to raise your standards.

A confession

2010-06-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe, but underneath my bitter, cynical, tactless, heartless exterior...

Is a bitter, cynical, tactless, heartless interior.

Ha. Had you going for a minute there, didn't I?

Fever

2010-06-27T23:56:00.001-07:00

I feel empty.

I felt so full, just weeks ago, of so many things. Most importantly, I felt something at all, which is monumental for me...

It's hard one way and it's hard the other.

There's no winning here.

My heart hurts.

Come bear with me the fever that by day makes me sicker

that boiled you down into a puddle of a man

Come bear with me the ton of passion you can't cure with liquor

that made it blurry and too hard to stand.

I waited for you forever, maybe longer

I can't keep track of time, quite, but we are stronger

than the string of fear connecting battered heart to heart

but time is running,

time is running

out

so start.

urgent

2010-06-26T00:10:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep, 'cause it hurts like I knew that it would

and it's best, I know this will do us both good

and the pain should serve me well

'cause as far as I can tell

we were falling in love

and love makes for falling apart.

So I got a single-serving heart

Oh you left me a bruise where you kissed

and an imprint where there was a promise

I feel like I might bleed out

and I don't want to show you

I'm smiling 'cause I'm bleeding out

but I wanted to know you.

And I'm glad that I knew your arms and your bed

and I'm glad you told me I took over your head

and I wanted this

and I'm glad for your eyes and I trace

'round your perfect lips

and our soul to soul, face to face.

...I feel like I'm bleeding out

and it's too late to show you

I'm fine 'cause I'm bleeding out

but I wanted to know you.

...Flight.

2010-06-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

I knew it would happen, I thought it would be worth it.

Maybe it will, I just don't see now. It's too blurry.

Until then, I navigate through the sleeping streets

of the battleground we were.

It's supposed to be the biggest part of being an artist, pain.

But I'm not really an artist, so that's just not fair.

I wish I could forget. I wish somebody hadn't nudged my heart to remind me it was still there.

Eh, I'm okay, I'm not so far in, I can just shut it back off again.

Now to resume life as a subhuman.

Fight or flight?

2010-06-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

You said "scream

as loud as you can"

'cause there's just too much in here

it's a small

incision you made

it's a pain I want to bear

And I know

it's hard on you

when we breathe the same air

Who will walk

with heavy shoulders

a thousand pounds of fear?

I can't stay, I can't make myself leave

I can't do this, I can't breathe

Don't be afraid, you might lose me today

you might lose me tonight

make it worth it

fight or flight

I said "you

are too much for me

and it feels too good to choose"

Every day

every second we waste

is too precious to lose

I said "love

is a fairy tale

so stay out of mine and we're square"

But I feel

immense things for you

I didn't know were there

2010-06-17T02:05:00.000-07:00

I feel so alive.

I'm so alive.

I'M ALIVE.

No matter what, this was worth it.

Too bad, so sad.

2010-06-15T10:37:00.001-07:00

I am, as previously stated, a study in human deficiencies.

It would appear, though, that the people around me are developing even more maddening and nonsensical tendencies. Tendencies, behaviors... that would befit a person such as myself.

If this is true, the laws of nature would have it that the roles have been reversed.

...That would mean that I am now sane.

Actually, it's not so off-base. I don't worry, I stress only about things that are worth stressing over, and most recently, I let my heart run around like a bull in a China shop.

Because of this bull/china shop business, it makes it very easy for ANOTHER heart to creep up on me with the stealth of a Prius.

I believe fate is in the process of sending a message, and that message is:

"Tracy, you were right. Shut your heart down and never let anyone in, because no matter what they say, they WILL fuck you over (from every conceivable angle.)"

Well thank you, fate, or whatever you are.

I could have figured that one out on my own.

Can't a girl have fun and enjoy herself around here?

Without, that is, playing the world's smallest violin at frequent intervals...?

Don't get so scared now, darlin

we're both walking 10 paces without a gun

and if nobody shoots first

how do you know who's gonna run?

I figure I'm your girl

'cause I won't be your nobody

because it's fun and

because it feels like who I should be.

2010-06-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have a nice house.

I have nice friends.

Summer will be nice.

The boy is nice.

Everything is JUST SO NICE. NICE NICE NICE.

I'm apathetic and I feel something boiling inside of me.

I feel self-destructive.

I feel destructive.

I feel.

I didn't want to feel.

Just do something to make me feel better, will you? If you're going to lure me in, make it worth it. I won't run away if you don't make me.

Hi

2010-06-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey life.

Why so complicated?

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?

Somebody tell me, because I don't fucking know.

2010-05-30T01:05:00.001-07:00

It's nice not to care.

I have no heart. If I do I don't plan on using it ever again.

That's nice.

YEAH!

2010-05-28T01:22:00.001-07:00

I FEEL SO FREE.

Free to feel pain, free to feel happiness, free with no strings attached

free to stay, free to leave, free to fuck fight love hate do don't right wrong.

I can do anything. I can go anywhere. I can be anyone.

FUCK YEAH.

2010-05-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Pain exists for a reason.

It tells you what not to do.

It tells you what's wrong.

Pain is a compass.

and fuck your shit, thanks.

2010-05-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yours is a wild heart

Yours is a petulant love

It singes and comes quietly.

Last night I dreamt of your sheets

which scream of your wealth

and your pride

but these sheets, to me,

were a threadbare haven

into which I whispered

terrible secrets.

2010-05-24T01:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm angry with love and my life is an orbiting galaxy of shit.

I still had an incredible day bonding with some of the most important people in my life.

2010-05-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

I started the Body Confidence project last night.

I can't stop thinking.

I think I wasted most of my life dating. No relationship lasts, not even a marriage. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce to begin with but if they don't... somebody has to die first, and when they do, then what? Or say your partner gets in a freak accident and dies? How would YOU survive that?

I just can't love, there's too much to lose. I'm a small person, I can only take so much.

But that's not important. School is important. Money is important. Success is important.

2010-05-20T01:10:00.000-07:00

I bruise like a peach, and the discoloration goes so deep.

I AM SORRY for what I've done. In recklessness I found myself, but broke so many in my wake...

And now, full circle, I'm finding myself again. I don't so much mind what I've found thus far as I mind what's going on around me. Who are these people? Who are they to me? Who am I to them?

I just want to get in the creek and nuzzle down where it's fun and exciting and I can escape. Thank you for helping me escape sometimes.

Nom

2010-05-19T00:44:00.001-07:00

I feel oddly independent.

Self-sufficient, almost.

I have a very busy week this week, and I kind of like it. I have a hearing (DMV shit) on June 15th so I will have my license this Summer as soon as I can.

I'm very much looking forward to having fun... something I don't do enough of. I spend so much time worrying and concerned about the feelings of others, and what will happen in the future. Consequences. Etc. I don't feel like worrying about that anymore. I feel like enjoying myself.

It's strange to wake up and realize you're an adult, but unfortunately it can't be avoided.

Also, I don't hate the way I look naked.

But I might just be having a good day.

2010-05-16T02:19:00.000-07:00

I drunkenly told this guy tonight I wasn't interested in any sort of relationship until after grad school.

He looked at me like I was a ghost.

I'm going to party until I bleed.

I'm going to bleed it all out.

Aside from my usual ups and downs, I'm so relaxed about everything lately.

Just don't worry, just go with it. Things will be just fine.

It was all just for fun, baby, don't you know that? Why are you so dramatic?

2010-05-15T11:09:00.001-07:00

My head hurts, but at least I woke up with a clear view.

MMMMM, that feels better.

Now about that phd.

2010-05-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

How can you talk to someone who won't listen?

How can you show somebody who can't see?

Passion

2010-05-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy.

Friday was fun, but last night was better.

And this weekend will be GREAT.

I love Mandy and Roxana so much. They're my family.

It's mother's day. Much as I bitch and complain about my mother, I love her. I really do. I'm not as close to her as I should be and I probably never will be, but I'm grateful.

She didn't do a bad job at all.

There's passion in my life again.

Oh, how I've missed it.

2010-05-05T22:41:00.000-07:00

I need space.

I'm perfectly content (eh) with the way things are going, so please don't complicate it.

I don't have time or the heart for certain things right now.

But I'd still really like a proper friend.

I'll think about love in 5 or 10 years.

In the meantime, NYU, masters, PHD.

2010-05-04T22:52:00.001-07:00

I need to get out of this place

It feels like pain, everywhere. It's coming out of the walls, 8 years of pain covering every FUCKING INCH OF THIS GODFORSAKEN HOUSE.

I really don't even know if moving away will make it better. I'll still be the same person.

Scratch that- subhuman.

I'm detached. Wallowing. ISOLATED. Furious, meditative, over-compensative, alone.

I'M SWIMMING. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Nobody sees.

Nobody sees it.

2010-05-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

Gotta focus on myself, focus on school, focus on my future.

I just don't have the time for anything or anyone else right now.

Let me be clear, here. Love does not exist. I've spent 20 years trying to convince myself otherwise because that's what the movies told me. So when everyone started leaving, then dying, I figured there must be a fantastic plot twist coming... right?... I'm ready!...

No. It didn't and isn't coming. I am going to stop waiting. I am going to get through life as fast and as efficiently as I can and just hope that death is kinder than this.

Think Stone Age simplicity.

Nobody loves, nobody hurts, and if you get hurt, it's of the flesh.

I can deal with that.

This isn't a particularly unrealistic outlook, really. I know very few people who care about me even half as much as I care for them, if at all. Even when I've outright told them this and asked them to prove me wrong, nothing happens.

I've always known I was meant to be alone,

but I thought it would at least be beautiful.

oh

2010-04-29T12:27:00.001-07:00

Gotta focus on myself, focus on school, focus on my future.

I just don't have the time for anything or anyone else right now.

2010-04-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

I want

2010-04-27T01:20:00.001-07:00

I feel so fucking alive.

Everything is electric. My veins are running with electricity and maybe, maybe some kind of sweet poison. I had no idea life could take me to these places; strange, unfamiliar, painful, beautiful, happy, ecstatic, orgasmic. I should have jumped so long ago.

I am going to audition for Glee and, maybe, because I lost a bet, American Idol. I want this.

I WANT THIS.

Badly. I want to be on a stage with nothing but a microphone and a piano. I want EVERYONE to HEAR ME.

2010-04-25T02:28:00.001-07:00

I am a game and you cannot play me

I am wild and you cannot tame me
oh, I'm not going down
I am a file and you cannot read me
I am a child and you can not please me
Do you get it
Do you get it
Do you get it yet?
You try my patience and I am busy
don't try to call me because you miss me
oh, I'm not going down
I will be free to be mild and manic
steer yourself right like the titanic
but I'm not going down.
Do you get it
do you get it
do you get it yet?

Everything is alright.

Despite my constant worrying about my future, I decided to jump in the creek and maybe sign up for theater.

I'm doing well in my classes, my professor has taken me under her wing.

I'm almost happy.

The waiting game

2010-04-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

Before I struck myself down

I lived a decade or so in the bends of freedom

found a man so holy,

I felt condemned

beginning to beginning.

And I start again, a day or two into Hell

He won't wander behind me

doesn't have the heart to find me

and I'll swallow that blame, for you

you know I can't refrain from you

I loved you, whole

heady like that wine-drunk night

a holiday,

tasted like a drug

tasted like the metal of my chains

Everything feels so awful. I feel condemned, like even if I try my hardest to get to the light, it just wasn't meant to be. My life is a black hole right now, and I'm too tired even to pull myself out of it.

I am frustrated, hurt, and angry. These endeavors into the creek are turning against me. I can't jump if you don't let me, and I'm annoyed. I'm just so annoyed, and I want out of this town forever.

2010-04-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

I feel it coming.

There's this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, something more than sadness, something less than pain. I feel this welling of darkness making waves inside me, but it won't come out. Not yet, anyway. Likely it will wash over me at the most inopportune of times, it always does.

I'm trying so hard to fight it. Fuck, I'm trying so hard. Physically, even.

Restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint

restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint

restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint

restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint restraint.

2010-04-21T00:08:00.001-07:00

Happy 4/20.

Now I remember why I don't get high. I get restless and impulsive and handsy. HAHA. Oh man.

I had fun today, so fuck you.

I'm still excited and I'm still in the creek.

Backwards, Forwards...

2010-04-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

Oh, American Psycho, how you understand me.

BUT

I'm almost sure I have a heart, at least, deficient as it may be.

Deficient as I may be.

Don't fuck with me, don't break me. I don't have the time or the patience. If you know who I am you won't leave my side, so come to me. I may not have been good to you, but I've learned the vast and odious error of my ways. Maybe you didn't look as deeply into me as you thought. Maybe I'll save you, maybe you'll save me. These things take time, however, so GIVE me the time, please.

Stop playing the game, I'm so tired of the game. Forget regret. Jump in the fucking creek with both feet already.

2010-04-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, My head screams

a thousand things,

miles, people, lovers,

mostly hate.

But today I breathe

free air

I feel alive.

Come with me

2010-04-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

I have no idea where I'm going

And for the first time

It feels so good.

I'm not afraid.

Hands heart head

2010-04-12T00:07:00.001-07:00

Well, I certainly just gave new meaning to "Live every day as if it were your last".

Consequences? What are those?

...Please. I'll keep my fingers crossed... let things keep going the way they're going, with no particular direction, but lustlikefriendsWHATEVER. It's so beautiful, it's so confusing, it's so obvious, it's so perfect. Just let me keep it a while. I missed my friend. I felt like part of my soul went missing before.

Bass bass bass bass bass bass bass

2010-04-11T14:02:00.001-07:00

Why is it suddenly so hard to choke out

"I need you. I need you to even just sit with me because every second, I'm about to cry, I'm about to die. Friend, I need you."

It's so loud in here

and my breath is bass

and it's making my molecules vibrate

so hard.

To be honest...

2010-04-11T00:31:00.001-07:00

edition 2...

...That monster is digging at me again. Claws out, teeth bared, ready to kill, but it's inside my ribcage with no feasible means of escape. So there it sits, screams, paces, slams itself against the bars and does as much damage as possible...

Until what? The story doesn't end, it keeps dragging on, dragging me down, SO FAR DOWN THAT I CAN'T SEE ANYMORE. Repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition

repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition. I'm eating myself alive.

Massive Attack

2010-04-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

I feel peaceful.

Quiet.

Even in the overwhelming darkness and turmoil of my life, my head and sometimes my heart...

And this silent solace wraps my veins over, and pumps heat into what was once ice.

I think there was warmth inside this person I took, for twenty years, to be made for hardness and cynicism, malice and thought.

(For those not following, that person is me.)

Each of my photos requires careful consideration. They require a very long, very close look.

If you cannot do that,

GET OUT.

Stopthinkingstartfeeling

2010-04-06T17:42:00.001-07:00

I'm excited.

That's about it.

I'm excited to see what happens, I'm excited to launch into the future. I'm excited to see where my handshearthead goes.

I'm so excited

to jump in the creek.

Daddy...

2010-04-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed.

May have bombed my midterm. Maybe not. Doubt it. Doesn't matter...

Shit is not good. Every day I'm terrified that I will get a call saying he has done something awful, or...

I can't even write it. I won't. I can't. I don't know what to do.

Tonight he shocked into me the notion that nothing lasts. Everything I hold dear will end, or die, or worse... Don't hold onto anything, it will just hurt. Everything will just hurt.

Everything hurts.

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

2010-04-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

I AM SO FUCKING TIRED of parties. I am so fucking tired of pretending to agree with people who have no idea what they're saying, and feigning interest when they talk shit about their friends, and how much they love drugs and hate education.

I brought up politics ONCE tonight to try and start a decent conversation and that was the end of any social interaction for the next 2 hours. I was faintly interested in one girl until she opened her fucking mouth and started spewing word vomit about the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. Dubstep. Weed. Fuck the man. Education is, like, so lame. SHUT THE FUCK UP. READ A BOOK. THINK ABOUT LIFE. TALK ABOUT LITERATURE!

Once I had someone that would sit with me and talk nonsense in the best way.

Those people keep disappearing.

HEY NOW

2010-04-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

Things are very suddenly much better.

I woke up today feeling so comfortable with everything around me. My life seems to have fallen into place. I'm getting good grades, I don't hate myself, I'm not that stressed, and my friends are wonderful

I saw Josh yesterday.

It was nice. There were no tears, no fighting, and not too much awkwardness. I feel like I finally sorted out something that was left unfinished and confused for too long. So now we're friends, and I'm so fine with that.

Things are good.

You....

2010-03-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, pretty woman

I wasted all my sundays without you

pretty woman,

wrapped around me, swimmin blue

around those eyes,

curly girl,

I want to twist your blonde around my

dirty brunette

Oh, pretty woman,

how close can I get?

Oh, Unassuming as you can be

I want to wrap your golden heart around me

and our hips to hips

are driving me to this

it's my favorite memory

Oh, pretty woman, we slept in lies

when i wanna be so deep inside...

your eyes,

now woman don't give me your

excuses, you know how I lose it

I wanna be every freckle on that face

and all the air around your space

I wanna be that shirt you wear

and you can throw me 'round 'cause I don't care

Oh, Unassuming as you can be

I want to wrap your golden heart around me

and our hips to hips

are driving me to this

it's my favorite memory

2010-03-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, poor little heart

you're so sick, little

creature

All cracked up from the sides

inward,

a ruin of an organ,

poor little thing.

You look tired, and uninspired

and now

you just don't sing.

Its color isn't right no more,

it bruised all green, and soft spots

grow like sinkholes

all over.

It collapsed in hysterics, laughing like

a fucking hyena.

My heart is a dunce, my heart is slow

like it came out wrong, or somebody

may have dropped it.

Yeah, somebody dropped it.

Now that's a sight-

poor little heart, all wet with salt

and water, and it looks like

it might

have given up.

To be honest,

2010-03-28T11:43:00.001-07:00

The worst is that formidable depression. The kind of darkness that is permanently gray. It won't change to your liking, it stays that same shade, halfway between good and evil, day and night. When you can't sink any further down, watching the people you know from so far down below them, the soles of their shoes are all you see. Names become brands. Chuck Taylors, Vans, Manolos... this is the kind of sadness that swallows you and sucks you into the mud, where it never completely immerses you, but keeps you there in that uncomfortable in-between. Nothing feels good, nothing hurts too much. I suppose it's better that way.

How can you possibly describe a feeling like that? It isn't precisely a feeling, anyway, it's a lack thereof. It's an emotion with a birth defect, half-formed, not quite right. It survived longer than it should have and hangs on, clinging to the hair on your skin in the most uncomfortable way. I can feel it coming, most of the time. It looks like a train that has somehow managed to both barrel and crawl at the same time. You can see it ahead, heavy, sturdy, foreboding and visibly awful... but it washes over so elegantly, ebbs so slowly, and drags you down so kindly you forget to dig your fingernails into the dirt on your way down.

Having depression is like having an insomniac friend, always there, always up and willing to have the darkest conversations. Or is it more like having a twin, whose eyes reflect yours so, and you wonder at times if you have the very same thoughts? Either way, I've begun to accept my mood swings, the mania, the sadness... if only out of loneliness. One is never alone when your head is a million different places, a million different things.

I can't tell you it's not beautiful, because it is. Trapped in your head all the time, waiting for something. Waiting for nothing. It's not quite enough to make you reach for the second bottle of pills, but it sure as hell will make you finish the first one.

This sort of depression comes with a big dose of elitism. You're so far down, but still, nobody understands. They don't have the mental capacity to understand. No, nobody will ever be so empty and their souls will not stretch deep enough that they could grasp your sadness. Of course not. And when they do... it's almost worse.

I won't lie. The first walk with depression is almost enjoyable. It's new, it's distant and it's gorgeous. Depression is the lover you never had, but once you get to know her, she's a wicked, clingy bitch. At first meeting, depression looks like a safe hiding place; a home you can retreat to when under enemy fire. It presents you with the option of staying inside, reading morbid poetry and reflecting. The problem is, depression doesn't own a watch and can't take social cues.

Voices come through your ears like radio chatter, sharp and soft, and so muffled. They come to numb your mind, they exist only to remind you that you're still alive. It's as though who you really are has been paused to allow this more minute version of yourself to take over for a while. You sink into every wall you lean on, you walk and see everything through the eyes of a foreigner to this world. You become a cynic, a glassy-eyed newborn... fifty percent beauty, fifty percent beast. Depression leaves only deformities, and allows only half-finished thoughts.

I'm fine, so long as I can examine it from a safe distance. A few hundred feet away at all times, preferably. When it comes closer, I know to hold onto anything near me so I don't fall into the rabbit hole... but the suction is so strong.

Some moments, I am suddenly real. Too real, I realize, looking in the mirror, that this is really me. Yes, really. No escaping that. No ten minute smoke break from being myself... unfortunately. I got used to what my head does, whatever chemicals send my mind swimming into black. Ugly, crushing lows that far beat out the highs that I stay flying on, like wings. Depression is a monster, my demon. It has destroyed me in a way that cannot be repaired.

New Tears.

2010-03-25T15:53:00.001-07:00

I just heard that the way you spend new years is the way you'll spend the coming year. So how did I spend mine?

Miserable, unhappy with Josh, in a relationship both of us... were not really working on, and with Mandy tagging along uncomfortably.

Yep, that sounds about right.

2010-03-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

I never know what's going on in my head. In my heart.

I'm always in love with everyone that walks by.

There's so few people that take up a big portion of my heart and stay there. I don't even know what to write. I'm seeing one of those people soon, Kris. I love him so much that it fills up my heart and spills over, and I just don't know what to do with that much love.

Blood

2010-03-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Now to be irrelevant.

I keep fucking up, and I don't give a SHIT. I'm just walking on the freeway with my eyes shut waiting, PRAYING, to get hit by a car.

2010-03-21T18:47:00.001-07:00

It's okay.

I might forgive you.

2010-03-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote an essay for class this morning.

" I began college at the beginning of this year and suddenly became painfully aware of my age. It seemed to me that I was fifteen not so long ago, and yet as I began filling my head with new knowledge and the excitement of an actual college campus, I felt as though I had "TWENTY" emblazoned across my forehead. "

That's basically it. That's how I feel right now. It feels like a crime, like I've been holding on to my past with my claws in deep. I bear the scarlet letter of a person who is no longer a child but still looks and feels like one. I'm having a midlife crisis at 20.

In other news, dates dates dates. Dates with this person, waiting for a date with this person. Trying not to date this person.

I am very boring today.

Studio time

2010-03-13T00:51:00.001-08:00

Tonight I don't want this boy, or that boy that didn't call. I don't want the girl that disappeared with my heart or the girl that I can never quite get.

Tonight all I want and need is a clean pair of socks and my bed.

The studio looks great. I have my own little space and I intend for it to see its fair share of love and lovers alike.

That is what my life is like now, and that's the way I like it.

I think I might be happy.

H

2010-03-10T00:35:00.001-08:00

I sat in your room alone and even though you were home I felt like we were in two separate worlds. I couldn't take the back and forth- it was much more than you were worth... and you were always out with other girls. There's no safety net from this up. I wouldn't let you fall, or fall in love. But you arrived in my life, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Upon our sacred midnight, we unleashed hell, upon sacred midnight, to ourselves. Drunk, out to the sky, excuses ran awry, and I was happy only for your honesty.

What transpired from liquor, what sprung from sadness, the love that came from death brought something beautiful to me... And you may not remember me how I remember you, but we were lovers, you and I, and long since paid our dues. Do you think loving me might save you? Do you really think it might break you? I wouldn't have been reckless with your heart.

I miss you so terribly, so deeply. You created this cavern in my chest that can only be filled with you, and your heart, and the love you were so scared to give me. But you got away, and you left without a trace... maybe it's more beautiful this way.

Does she love you like I do?

Lovers

2010-03-09T13:12:00.001-08:00

You know what I've never done?

Taken a lover, and allowed it to run its course. Smoked a cigarette in my bed after a moment of passion and, with a blank mind, watched the smoke travel instead of watching the person next to me. I suppose the only thing I lack is the ability to let go gracefully.

She's a shadow in my bedroom

She's the writing on the wall

She's the one who always pushed me

and the one to break my fall

And if I could have another day

then have nothing at all...

I would give the world, it's worth it

when I'm feeling just this small.